He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
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Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
My neck, my back, my…
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again