The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.