5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
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“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we donât want those sweetie
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my âprofessionalâ roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whaleâs arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESNâT JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Some people can never, ever admit theyâre wrong. Iâm not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re đ
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Saying âIâm practicing social distancingâ
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming âkeep your hands off me good sir!â
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
âI hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversationsâ I said to my fiancĂ©, a propos of nothing, while en route to a cafĂ© to enjoy hors dâoeuvre and an apĂ©ritif.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
đ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđ€Ł
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Is âMonkey Breadâ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.