[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
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Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
A ghost story
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary