The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
I put the h in mysterious.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
lmfao come on
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.