My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
You Might Also Like
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.