If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
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i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
welcome back
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
#dnd #ttrpg
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.