5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
smartest karate player in the world
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.