My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
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I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
necessity is the mother of invention
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Wait a minute…
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.