My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
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[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
*praying for world peace*
God:
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I saw this ending much differently.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.