Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her