St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
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Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Me when my alarm goes off
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.