To clean up or just move. This is the question.
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[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Genius idea!!
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.