My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light