[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
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The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I am HOWLING at this
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.