I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
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Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
🤔😂😂
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?