The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break