Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
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If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.