Xylophonist Shredding It
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can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣