*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
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GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.