FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
You Might Also Like
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES