*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
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[hiking]
ME: I鈥檓 so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it鈥檚 for the town鈥檚 protection.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you鈥檙e a cop.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
is it earth
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
You can鈥檛 embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn鈥檛 I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 馃檪
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Him: I鈥檇 die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
馃檮
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.