me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?