Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Good morning!
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Cardio Made Easy
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.