Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
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Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Van Gone
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.