If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
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Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Is this a threat?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
One of the best
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now