I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can鈥檛 explain this 馃槶
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Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Not wearing glasses anymore, I鈥檝e seen enough.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Always wanted to call people who don鈥檛 like astronomy 鈥淕alactos Intolerant”
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Whenever I think I鈥檓 having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child鈥檚 homework
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Bro what is this
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Home improvement
but it鈥檚 just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor鈥檚 wind chimes with tampons.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can鈥檛 come
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
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