Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
This 4th of July, please remember…
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this