married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
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Me checking my bank balance online.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs