I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
This is a whole mood;
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Saturday