Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
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The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening