Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.