I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.