What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
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I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.