The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
this article brought to you by lions
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”