If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
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Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY