proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
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Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
He just like my cat fr
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
An odd boast
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint