WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
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I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.