Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
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Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
We’ve come full circle
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
How I’d get arrested…
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…