Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
#NoRestForTheWicked
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.