I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
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warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand