I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.