Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
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Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party