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I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.