And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
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[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
The only equipped I am is ill.