Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
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After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
damn he’s good
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
My blood type is b hungry.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo