When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
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“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
OH. COME. ON.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.