Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors