Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
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Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
My new favorite headline