Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
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*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
#Caturday
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Awwwww shit.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell